Somnum Exterreri Solebat Viventem
by Shadowriver Prime
Summary: He still can't forget. Even if he wanted to, he can't. He has something that will always remind him... Part One of the Secret Heritage series
1. Chapter One: Discovery

**Chapter Text**

 _Tears slid down the blue racers cheeks as the walls closed in on him, the fire leaving him. It was to late anyways. He would die and no one would know._

 _No, maybe if he tried, he could get away._

 _Vainly, he tried to keep the walls from closing in on him. If he was going to die, it wouldn't be like this. Never like this._

 _The walls just kept pressing in on him, ready to demolish him. Why?! What had he done to deserve this?!_

 _All of a sudden, it stopped, leaving him trapped between the walls. Lifting his sleek helm up, all he saw was a flashing light, one gleaming crimson optic, and everything went dark…_

Blurr jolted awake, ex-vents desperately trying to cool his sweltering frame. It's been what? Three or two months since the Decepticons had been defeated? To him, it felt much longer. An eternity… Sighing, he pushed himself upwards, swinging his legs off the berth. Arms propped on his thighs, he silently brooded about the memory.

He stared at his hands and arms, the armor different. After his "treatment" he had to get new armor and changed his color scheme. He was no longer bright, now a dark color, representing what had happened to him. He always woke believing it was a dream, but when he saw his hands, he knew it wasn't.

Even after three months, he still couldn't believe it, believe that Longarm, the mech who was his friend, then later lover, was the Decepticon Shockwave. It hurt, it felt like his spark was shattering into a million pieces and he was stomping on those already broken pieces.

A keen escaped his lip plates and he rubbed his chest armor gently. The alloy had been sore for about a month or two, and Blurr knew why. Checking to make sure his berthroom was locked, curtains closed, he grabbed a small mirror, and opened his sparkchamber.

Circling around his own spark, was a smaller one, bobbing up and down. The little spark fed off the energy from his spark. Lifting a servo up, he stroked the small spark, comforting it. Today was the day. The day the spark would go into his gestation tank, the body ready to be formed for the next six months.

Staring intently, he watched the spark shake with confusion, then he gasped. It split in half, settling into his gestation tank. He didn't say anything, fear taking over him. This was bad, very terrible. He was carrying SPILT-SPARK TWINS. The very thing that was looked down upon in their culture. Blurr felt tears form in his optics and he didn't care. HIS sparklings would suffer from the rest of their species, always be called freaks or abominations. He knew what usually happens to them.

Regularly, when the carrier found out they were going to have split-spark twins, they got rid of them. Not because they just didn't want them to suffer, it was because of disgust, not wanting to ruin their reputation, not wanting to have spawns of evil.

Blurr's own carrier had done that to the sparklings who would have been his younger siblings.

Split-sparks were thought to once be something pure and whole, but then they allowed darkness into their spark, causing it to split in half. What was once perfect and whole, was now impure and broken. It was a punishment for allowing evil to enter them.

It didn't help if anyone found out the truth about their heritage, they would be killed or experimented on.

His servos shaped into a fist and fire was now simmering in his azure optics. Regardless of what happens, he would fight anyone who tried to hurt him, try to stop what he believed in. Protect the spark he carried within him.

He would protect his sparklings

Blurr would protect his precious Sideswipe and Sunstreaker

Regardless of their Decepticon sire, what he had done. He would protect THEIR sparklings…..


	2. Chapter Two: Birth

Of all times, it had to be **_NOW_**?! Don't get Blurr wrong, he loved his little spark, but now of all times, when he is alone in a barren alley, wounded from a fight some aft decided to pick with him, and no one is nearby to help him?! Real nice! Grunting, he pressed a servo against his thigh, trying to stop more of his energon from gushing out. Blurr stumbled forward, managing to get at three feet away from where he was originally standing, before his knees collapsed beneath him.

He curled up, moaning in pain as his gestation tanks decided to be a pain in his aft. "It won't hurt that much." BULLSLAG! Uncurling himself, Blurr's optics closed, he moaned again as the pain intensified. He ex-vented rapidly, trying to force the pain to the back of his processor.

"Blurr?!" His optics snapped open and he was greeted with a concerned visor and optics. The cybertronian with a visor was a mech, while the other one was a femme. A mech and femme he knew rather quite well.

Jazz and Red Alert

Blurr glared at them annoyed while they gawked at him with surprise, and what he said next, he would blame it on his mood swings. "NO, I'M FRAGGING LUGNUT, YOU IDIOTIC AFT OF A MORAN!" He snapped sarcastically. "YES I'M BLURR! AND I'M IN PRIMUS DAMN LABOUR!" That snapped them out their stupor, and Red Alert rushed forward. Gently, she rolled him on his back and laid against the wall behind.

He moaned in pain again and Red Alert glanced up at him worriedly. Jazz was crouched besides her, unsure of what to do. And honestly, Blurr would rather have him not do anything.

"Blurr, I need you to open your valve," Red Alert ordered sternly, the look in her optics daring him to argue. Like pits he would argue with a medic! Especially her! Spreading open his legs, he snapped his panel open. Jazz immediately turned away at this, wanting to give the mech some privacy. Red Alert pulled out many pieces of equipment, hooking most of them up around his sparkchamber.

"Blurr," Red Alert said, "On the count of three, I want you to start pushing. Got it?" Blurr nodded, signaling he understood. Everything was tense and Blurr wished it wasn't.

"One, two, three, PUSH!" Oh, he was in a world of pain now. Blurr pushed, ignoring the burn in his valve, wanting to hold his mechlings. And it was then and there it struck him.

 _They don't know he is carrying spilt-spark twins..._

Fear overtook him, making him shiver. Primus, what was he going to say? Spilt-spark twins were frowned upon, it was rare to find someone who would treat them kindly. He didn't know who would be happy. The only bots he knew that were okay with spilt-spark twins was Drift and Rodimus.

Looking up at him, Red Alert hissed, "Blurr, you need to stop shaking!" Irritation gleaming in her optics. But Blurr couldn't stop shaking, thinking of a thousand things that could happen to them. Red Alert lifted one servo up and poked him.

"Blurr, you need to calm down! The emotional stress you're putting yourself might kill your sparkling!" And quite fearfully, he revealed his predicament.

"You'll kill them. You'll kill my spilt-spark sons after they come into this world. No one has ever approved of spilt-spark twins. They'll die at Autobot servos!" Red Alert froze, optics wide with disbelief. Jazz beat her to it.

"You're carrying spit-spark twins?!" Jazz exclaimed, shock all over his face. Blurr looked at them with begging optics, and they knew what it was about.

 _Please don't hurt them_


	3. Chapter Three: Fight

_Blurr walked down the street, hugging himself. It happened again, the dreams. It was always the same after he found out he was going to have spilt-spark twins. He had been in a room, a unknown mech standing before him, torturing his sparklings, his life. Viciously, he shook his helm, trying to forget it, he continued, numb to the world. Blurr never noticed he was being followed._

 _The mech slammed a servo over his mouth, preventing him from calling for help. Blurr's optics widened, then narrowed. He struggled to escape, but the mech knew what he was doing._

 _The mech dragged him toward an empty alley, pinning his back to the wall. Blurr finally got a good look of the mech. He was tall, armor sleek, the colors black, greean, and white. Golden optics stared back at him, a smirk on his lips._

 _"Hey handsome, the name is Electroshadow," he purred, stroking his side. Blurr knew immediately what he wanted. He was fragging SPARKED! Okay sure, he may not look like it, but he's sparked! His twins are probably going to be born anytime this week and this mech wants to interface with him!? Pass._ _Glaring at him, he hissed, "Not interested. Can I go now?" The mech's optics narrowed, amusement gleaming in his optics._

 _"Aw, come on. Don't you want to have some fun?" Electroshadow asked, lust flickering in E.M Field. Blurr scowled, annoyed. He didn't want to interface with him, can't he get that through his thick helm?! If he doesn't let him go, Blurr is going to FUCKING stab him in his phallus!_

 _Blurr glared, snarling, "I told you, I ain't interested!" Now Electroshadow looked annoyed. His lips curled into a snarl, rage now gleaming in his optics. Oh, Electroshadow was going to regret ever thinking about keeping him here._

 _"You know, when I say I want to interface, you have to do it." He said, smugness in his field. Now Blurr knew where he was from. He was a fragging NOBLE! He swears the mechs and femmes there teach their sparklings to be spoiled little BRATS! Growling at him, he punched him in the face. The furious feral look he gave Blurr made him realize he was screwed, very screwed._

* * *

 _Blurr glared at Electroshadow, the mech holding a dagger dripping with energon. Blurr had a new wound in his leg, stopping him from running. Electroshadow glared down at him, fury in his optic. The other one was scratched shut when he got to close._

 _ **Wonder how this will end,** Blurr mused. _

* * *

**Notes: Electroshadow is a DICKHEAD**


	4. Chapter Four: Hope

_Blurr glared at Electroshadow, servo pressed harshly against his stab wound. Electroshadow stood erect over him ominously, a malicious smile on his face. Kneeling in front of him, he spoke._

 _"You know we could have avoided all this, if you just interfaced with me like I wanted, none of this would have happened," he jeered tauntingly, a servo running up his leg, "But I'll just have to help myself now."_

 _Big mistake_

 _Blurr slammed his helm against his Electroshadow's nasal plate, causing the black, green, and white mech to jerk backwards with a cry of pain. Lunging forward, he pulled out his hidden dagger, taking the mech's last golden optic. As a Intelligence Officer it had been mandatory to learn servo-to-servo combat. Drift had insisted on improving it, and now Blurr was very grateful._

 _Lashing his pede out, he jumped to his pedes, stabbing Electroshadow in his shoulder. He snarled in fury and tried to slam him against the wall, but Blurr ducked under his arm, swinging his dagger upwards, slicing his arm off. Electroshadow screamed in pain, clutching his bleeding shoulder._

 _Blurr turned tail and sprinted deeper into the alley, turning left and right, wandering aimlessly._

 _That was when his sparklings decided it was time to come into the world._

* * *

Blurr couldn't help but stare at the two beautiful sparklings he held in his arms, trying to hold back the tears.

These were **_HIS_** sparklings. He had carried these two beautiful mechlings for almost a year. These were the mechs he waited so long to meet. These were the sparklings he brought into this world.

"Blurr?" Turning his gaze away from his sparklings, facing Jazz and Red Alert. Blurr had been expecting expressions of disgust, horror, and hatred. He didn't expect the expressions of wonder and curiosity. They didn't look at them with murderous intent, they looked with adoration in their optics and visor. Jazz turned to face him, a questioning look in his visor. "Who's the sire?" He froze, unsure of what to do. Should he tell them, or should he just take his sparklings and run.

Something within his spark was against it. His spark told him he could trust them. No, he couldn't tell anyone. Rodimus and Drift already knew, no one else needed to. But what if they could?

"Blurr, if you need any help, we can help you," Red Alert said softly, understanding in her optics. Blurr stared at her, unable to believe what she was saying. Would she help him if she knew? Knew that it was a Decepticon who sparked him? That it was _Shockwave_ who he had a sparkling with?

"If you knew," Blurr whispered, "You would take them away from me..." Jazz and Red Alert stared at him with shock, wondering what on _CYBERTRON_ would make Blurr afraid to tell them who the sire is. Fear grew within their spark as the tense silence continued.

"Shockwave." The two cybertronians looked at him with confusion, not hearing his name.

"Sorry mah mech, but we didn't hear your answer," Jazz replied gently, trying not to sound intimidating. What they heard shocked them to the core.

"Shockwave."

"Shockwave!" Red Alert exclaimed, completely taken by surprise. She had known that Blurr and Shockwave, who had the disguise of Longarm Prime, had been close before the truth had came out, but she hadn't expected this. Jazz, on the other servo, was trying so hard not to hug him in sympathy. He understood what it was like to lose someone you love, it may have been different circumstances, but the effects were still the same. He understood the place he was in.

Blurr glanced at them, petrified that they would hurt his precious mechlings. He was to weak to escape, let alone run. Turns out he had nothing to worry about.

Red Alert smiled at him comfortingly, squeezing his shoulder gently in support. Jazz gently hugged him, trying to show he understood. "So," Jazz asked, "What's your bitlets names?" Glancing down at them, Blurr let a teary smile appear on his lips before he responded.

"Sideswipe and Sunstreaker."

As the tears of happiness ran down his cheek, he thought that maybe. Maybe there was hope for the future after all...….

* * *

 **Notes:** **I hoped you enjoyed this chapter and in case any of you are wondering about Blurr's new color scheme, I thought it would be similar to something like andreac/art/Vortex-Blurr-Baby-186179055**  
 **I did not create this, but I do think Blurr's new color scheme would match this**


	5. Chapter Five: Long Due

_"No!" he screamed. The mech just stared at him with a cruel look, a sneer. Turning away, he continued to torture the two mechlings before him. One red and the other yellow. They released cries of pain and fear as he whipped their already battered and wounded frames. Blurr sobbed, trying to escape the chains holding him back._

 _Sideswipe and Sunstreaker_

 _His sobs grew louder as his sparklings cries intensified. Then he screamed in horror as the mech tore open their sparkchambers, exposing each half of the spark. Grinning maniacally, the mech plunged his servos into their sparkchambers, crushing it. A scream of horror was ripped from Blurr's vocalizer as he felt the creator-creation bond snap, more tears streaming down his cheeks._

 _"NO! YOU FRAGGING BASTARD! I'M GOING TO SLAGGING MURDER YOU!" Blurr screeched, trying to claw at the mech's face. The mech stared down at him with disgust, pulling the whip from out of his subspace. Uncurling it, he raised it above his helm and-_

" **Blurr, wake up!** "

* * *

Blurr felt a servo shake him and he reacted on pure instinct. Optics snapping open, he pulled out his hidden dagger and tried to slam it into the intruders vocalizer. But suddenly, the unknown mech held his servo away from his throat. Blurr's optics widened when he finally recognized the mech.

Rodimus Prime

"Oh my primus, Rodimus Prime, sir, I'm so sorry!" He babbled, ashamed that he tried to attack him.

 _You didn't try to attack him,_ his thoughts whispered, _You tried to kill him._ Rodimus smiled reassuringly at him, letting go of his wrist. Placing his servo on Blurr's shoulder he sat beside him on his berth.

"Blurr it's fine, and you don't have to call me Prime, sir, or Rodimus. Roddy is perfectly fine. Besides, all the formalities make me feel soooo OLD!" Rodimus said dramatically, making a damsel in distress gesture. Blurr couldn't but laugh at his childish antics. Despite being older than him, not to mention having a higher ranking, Roddy had a child-like personality. Though he was good at hiding it.

Suddenly, why Rodimus was here came back to his memory and he jumped to his pedes.

"OH MY PRIMUS, WHAT TIME IS IT?! He demanded worridly. Rushing to the door, he was surprised when Roddy grabbed his wrist, preventing him from leaving. Turning around to snarl at him, Rodimus spoke before he could. Though it filled him relief and embarassment.

"It's what humans would refer to as 11:09 P.M," he said calmly, "And Drift is watching Sideswipe and Sunstreaker in the other room. They're fine." The statement filled Blurr with so much embarassment and relief. Embarassment because he was in recharge for so long, and he had gone to take a nap at 1:50. Not to mention that Roddy and Drift had to stay because he was alsleep.

Then Roddy's expression became somber, the feeling reflected in his field. Letting go of his wrist, he stared at Blurr intently. Surprised by this, Blurr fidgeted nervously, unsure of what Roddy wanted.

"You had a nightmare, didn't you?" It was more a statement than a question. Blurr sighed, seeing no point in lying. Slowly, he sat on his berth, arms resting on his legs. Blurr silently brooded while Roddy stood in front of him, like a guard waiting to leap to their charges defense.

He nodded, taking in a shaky ex-vent.

Roddy just continued to stand, sympathy gleaming in his optics. Uncrossing his arms, he kneeled in front of him, servos on his arms.

"Blurr," he said slowly, " You're like a little brother to me, and I'd hate if anything happened to you or your amazing, beautiful sparklings." Pausing, he made sure Blurr wasn't getting uncomfortable, then continued. "I know I will never understand what it is like to have borne split-spark twins, and I will definitely never know how much you worry or care about your sons..." Blurr stared at him before he couldn't hold it back. He sobbed, collapsing in his "brother's" arms. Blurr cried, burying his face in the crook of Roddy's neck. Rodimus just spoke to him soothingly, attempting to comfort him.

It didn't make the fear go away, but it certainly helped.

Stroking his back, Roddy crooned to him, rocking him back and forth gently. He kept crying, not wanting to keep it all inside. It would eat him from within. His frame shook with every sob, not showing any sign of stopping.

Blurr hated this, **_ALL_** of this! Why?! Why did he have to fall for him?! FALL for HIM! If he never did, none of this would have happened! But wait. If he never fell in love with Longarm, now revealed as Shockwave, then he wouldn't have gotten them. The greatest gifts. The things that filled him with so much joy.

Sideswipe and Sunstreaker

Even after all the pain, he didn't regret it. A small smile formed on his face, optics shuttering shut. Roddy never stopped stroking his back, Blurr's helm tucked under his chin. "I will always stand by your side, little brother," Rodimus promised. And with those words, all the fear went away...…..


	6. Chapter 6: I Hate You, I Love You

**_"With all the smiles you brought me, I never thought you could cause me so many tears"_**

* * *

It always kept eating him from within, reducing him to a pile of tears. Despite it being at least ten months, he still couldn't let it go. It always haunted, holding him in a vice-like grip. The memories always pulled him under, drowning him in thoughts. No matter how hard he tried to escape, it would always be behind him. It was a never ending loop, a cycle of pain and torment. He remembered all the times they were alone, no other Autobots around to judge them, to JUDGE their relationship. When they were alone, Longarm would make him laugh, joking about something that their superior officers would have seen as disappointing. What once filled him with joy, left laughing till he was ex-venting very hard. Now, when the memories returned, it left him in tears, wondering why it was him who got hurt in the end, wondering if he was just a tool.

He wanted the memories of him gone, but in his spark, he wanted to keep them till the end of time...

* * *

 ** _"We started with a simple hello but ended with a complicated goodbye"_**

* * *

He remembered when he returned to Cybertron. That was when everything vanished, flying like ash in the wind. Everything ended that day... Blurr had run through half the galaxy, trying to warn the Autobots of a traitor in their midst. He fell in front of his lover's pedes, out of breath. But he had pushed it aside, desperate to warn Longarm. He never noticed the change in his voice, never noticed something dark replaced the usually kind face. Blurr had told him about the spy, Shockwave, that was when everything went to the pit and his spark was broken. He had turned around as Longarm questioned him and he faced him again, he tried to kill him. Blurr had dodged the blow, confused and scared. Why did Longarm try to kill _HIM_? Then to his horror and dismay, he had transformed and it was not that familiar . One he came to associate with safety. Instead, it was a tank, the guns charging up. Every thought about Longarm being forced to do this flew out the window as the realization cemented.

 _Why me? Why Longarm, or is that even your name?_

He ran, trying to escape. Before he disappeared into the corridors, he turned his helm and any sliver of hope he had was shattered, leaving a broken frame. The last thing he saw before he disappeared into the corridor, he saw Longarm transform. But it wasn't him. It never was. Instead of Longarm, a huge mech with only one optic and horns on the side of his helm, and he looked at him with an unsettling stare.

 **_Shockwave_ **

It wasn't real. Longarm didn't exist, he was only an illusion, a lie. They met for the first time when Longarm became Head of Intelligence. He was being introduced to everyone who would be under his command. He had said hello and introduced himself. Longarm had done the same. And over time, Blurr had fell for him. They had started with a hello and it ended with a goodbye. A goodbye that left his spark in broken shattered pieces...

* * *

 ** _"The saddest kind of sad is when your tears can't even drop and you feel nothing. It's like the world has just ended. You don't cry, you don't hear, you don't see. You just stay there. For a second, the heart dies."_**

* * *

He stroked the little sparkling's helm, the golden mechling yawning in his recharge. Beside the sparkling was his twin, both tired after a long busy day. They had fallen into recharge as soon as they laid themselves on his chest, and Blurr had no intention of making them move. Laying on the couch, Blurr comteplated all things that had happened since his...ex-lover. His sparklings, Sideswipe and Sunstreaker, were quite the servoful, though he was glad he had Rodimus and the Prime's Conjunx Endura Drift to help him take care of them, to help hide the truth of their orgins and who they really were. The sparklings slept peacefully unaware of the pain and worries going through their carrier's processor. They were so innocent, they didn't need to know about the discrimination if anyone every found out they were spilt-spark twins _OR_ the sparklings of Shockwave; one of Megatron's most loyal soldier, the one who took Ultra Magnus out of the picture, and had used Blurr. Squeezing his optics shut, he felt the tears start to stain his cheeks.

He hated Shockwave for using him, crushing his spark into a million pieces, never to be fixed again. But he also loved him, he was there for a shoulder to cry on, he had brought him joy, and he gave him the two greatest gifts of all; their little ones.

 _I hope you know I hate you, Shockwave_ , Blurr's thoughts whispered, _But in the end I love you too, I always will till the end of time...….._

* * *

Autor's Note: Inspired by this fanart: andreac/art/i-hate-you-i-love-you- **190516063**  
 **And for some reason, I could hear the song I Hate You I Love You in the background, ok, now I recommend you read this while listening to I Hate You I Love You. Regarding the quotes, these are ones where a relationship ended. I don't know exactly where they originated, I just went to google and images and found these. I did not create the quotes!**


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